BE STILL MY SOUL

I am not sure where to start or how to explain exactly how I feel. My prayer was always "Lord, Please let me be in right standing with you before I become a mom". This was even way before I got married. I was always worried about being far from God while He entrusts me with a child. If He entrusts me with something meaning only Him can show me how to take care of it. I had hoped that by the time am a mom, my prayer life would be well organised and not in shambles, my devotion consistent and bearing fruit while my character is graced with the fruit of the Spirit. I wanted to be in the highest standard with my Lord not because I believed in myself but because I have seen my best self walking closely to Him and I wanted my best self for my kids. 

My walk with the Lord was a beautiful friendship until I stayed at my previous job for some months. I became too busy and would barely have time for myself. I'd leave home by 6am and come back at 7pm just to cook and sleep. Before I knew it, I didn't have time for my devotion anymore, it was just hard and I was always tired. In an attempt to revive my spirit, I decided to start keeping my bible at work and it worked for the first few weeks then it stopped. I don't know how but I became too overwhelmed with making sure I don't miss out on anything. One time I remember thinking of the verse " but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful'' and sadly I acknowledged that  I was in that state at that time. I sensed and knew I had to do something about it but honestly, I had no strength. I would try to start reading my bible but still fail the next day. The worries of life and desires for other things came in so forcefully that I gave up trying. I became too busy I even stopped going to church because I was just too tired and whenever I went I'd be so late. I didn't like what I had become and I knew something had to change, I would whisper a prayer asking for the Holy Spirit not to leave me because I kept thinking, "I should know better". 

My spirit became tired and drained to a point where I started thinking of quitting my job but I just felt like didn't have a valid reason yet despite all I was experiencing. Eventually, the work environment started changing, my work load increased to things outside my job description and just started compromising on my integrity too, then I knew it was time to move. I didn't know what next to I'd do, I was just tired and wanted to find rest, then in His mercy, God made a way for my husband and I to move our wedding from June to February and that was my way out!. My heart was restless, it couldn't find what I was looking for and I knew I would be restless until I rested in GOD and the sweet friendship I once shared with Him. 

It took time for me to get back to a place of spending time with God . I have never regretted  a day and I think I'd still do it should I be found in a place where I find no rest for my soul. The effect of that experience affected me to the point where even in my first trimester I was still struggling with my faith, I remember starting and failing, crying out to God for strength and help just to be willing to read His word. I would go days without readng His word and that ate me up so much because I kept thinking of my unborn child. I feared that my fear of being entrusted with a child by God while am far from Him was happening. I never wanted that for my child. So, I prayed and prayed whenever I had the strength and chance. I stopped looking at my progress and just poured out my heart to God about my child in those same moments I got a chance to pray. 

As I think back now, I realise that I have always carried my child in my heart and the great purpose God has given me of raising him. I walked away not because of my own ambition but because I knew I had lost my friendship with One who was able to give me rest and wisdom to raise my son and be a wife. I have always hoped and prayed from a young age that : I would be a lecturer so that I can spend time with my Kids , raise them and be a present wife and mom. I probably have never had any other part of my life this directed but I have always prayed for this. 

So yes, maybe my life is slow now in terms of my career progression in Civil and Structural engineering, my goal of climbing and finishing the academic ladder as soon as possible and maybe making a certain figure by a certain age but I think it's okay. I have what I need for now and what I once prayed and hoped for, so instead of me missing this answered prayer and living in it, maybe I can be still and Know that all things work together for good to those that love the Lord. I have my friendship with God again and with this I have rest and all the help I need for me to be a Mommy to my boy and a wife to my husband. I am right where am supposed to be and until then, I will enjoy every step even when I can barely sleep because my baby is up all night or my husband asks ''what's for dinner babe'' after a long day.

If there is a thing I pray I do right while on this earth, is to raise my son in the way of the Lord. To present the soul God entrusted me with back to Him at His return just like the parable of the coins. Am I fully where I hoped to be in terms of my walk with the Lord by the time am being a mom? No. But am not where I was in the first trimister and I definittely won't stay here forever because He who began the good work in me, this good work, will make sure it's complete and I am not alone, before I knew my son, God knew Him too and He created him fearfully and wonderfully and He has called him by his name he is His. I have been entrusted but he belongs to the Lord and not me, I will do my best and God will do the rest. He loves him more than I ever will and I have a husband who also sees it as his duty to raise our son in the ways of the Lord. And just like He has answered this prayer am living in now, He will answer the other ones, yet not in my timing but His and even If He doesn't, His ways are higher than my ways and His plans are for me and not against me.

Nothing is worth your peace and frienship with God.